| DGouldthorp | member since May 2009 |
 | January 10, 2010, 7:09 am New Year's Un-resolutions Driving 3705 road miles in six weeks means not only having a flat behind and a stiff right leg but also many Interstate miles with nothing to do but think; and as the New Year approached, my thoughts turned to resolutions for 2010. In mulling over what to change for the coming year, I thought back over the past twelve months and quickly realized that with the help of NutriMirror, this past year had been a true turning point for me – I became a member just over a year ago, joined a gym, changed my lifestyle, quit smoking, lost weight, got in shape and, well, did all the things that I’d resolved to do every January 1st for year after year, but never managed to stick with for more than a few days; a couple of weeks at the most. So what’s left to resolve? The quick answer is – not much. However from the many cautionary emails I’ve received from friends(?) and others over the past year, I’ve realized there’s a whole bunch of stuff I’m NOT going to do during the coming year or beyond for that matter. Here’s a list of some of the warnings I’ve found in my in-box that give me pause: I can no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so that a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping my unleaded. Drinking Pepsi or Dr Pepper is now a social no-no since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans. In the kitchen, I can’t use Saran wrap in the microwave because you told me it causes cancer. I am now afraid to open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel. Sadly, I can't enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood at a restaurant anymore because lemon peels have been found to contain all kinds of nasty germs including who-knows-what from the kitchen staff and wait staff who somehow think that we ugly customers are responsible for their miserable pay scales. I will have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because, according to a Duke Medical School study, the number one pastime while driving alone is scratching things that can’t generally be seen through the side window of your vehicle. I can't touch any woman's purse any more for fear she placed it on the floor of a public bathroom or worse, she’s going to send it to a CSI lab for DNA testing to try and prove that I’m the father of one of her several dissimilar-looking offspring. I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the email about mouse poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge or just spit on the flap of every envelope that needs sealing. I no longer have any savings because I gave them to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who was about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. Apparently she’s now 32 and says she’s never been in hospital. However I did read where she was recently appointed to a position in the White House as an advisor on Internet fraud. As a matter of fact, I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program. I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa has granted my every wish. Regrettably, I can’t eat at KFC any more because I’m told that their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. Who knew? While I appreciate the heads-up about cancer-causing deodorants, I’m now going to smell like a water buffalo on a hot day which isn’t going to do a whole lot for my love life. On a positive note, I have learned that my prayers will get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. Unfortunately, at my age, most of friends are pushing up the daisies and those that aren’t, drool a lot and talk to folks that aren’t there… Because of my friends’ concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains (and presumably dissolve my internal organs). And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life. I ain’t pretty in the first place, but… Time was that I checked the coin return on pay phones for quarters but not any more, because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. Shopping malls are out of the question too because someone will drug me with an after shave sample and rob me. Ordering anything off the Internet for home delivery is also out of the question because the drivers at UPS and FedEx are actually Al Qaeda operatives in disguise. Many of you told me not to shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army. I’m frightened to answer the phone any more because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get an enormous phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan. I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my backside. And thanks to someone’s great advice, I can't ever pick up any money dropped in a parking lot because it probably was placed there by some predator waiting underneath my car to grab my leg. The only saving grace would be that once they realize that the leg belongs to a grumpy old geezer with an attitude, they may think twice. So…if you don't send this post to at least 400 people in the next 7 minutes, the Bird of Paradise, which I’m told has an upset stomach, will land on your head at 5:00 this afternoon and the fleas from a thousand terrorist-sponsored camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump, buy semi-automatic weapons and declare fatwa against your local town council for not picking up your recycling on time. I know this for a fact because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's adopted, transgendered cousin's beautician. Have a wonderful day! Oh, by the way... A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has determined that people with too much time on their hands on not enough on their minds read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now; the CIA, FBI, NSA, Interpol and America’s Most Wanted already have files on you… --00-- Remember – it ain’t over till they screw the lid on. Gouldthorp
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